Life Happens!

Hey everyone,

It has been awhile for me posting, I think the main reason is because of the hurt I had been feeling about the whole Amber episode, it has been a really hard thing for me to deal with. I haven't said much on my blog for fear of someone hearing about it and then shutting off on me all to gether. I don't understand how come, some one could not want to be with the TOPH. I mean I'm handsome, fun, full of the Holy Spirit, compassionate, loving, stable, have a good job, I'm a pastor, love the Lord, love to worship, am good at speaking about God, I can be a very deep person, a good cook, in great shape, and so many more things, How could you not like to be with someone like that? Someone who would care for you when your sick and encourage you when your down, make you laugh when you didn'y think it was possible. Come along side you and support you in the your ministry but also have my own. I just am perplexed at why this girl doesn't like me?

I have a great time with her, we laugh and have fun but why does it have to be like this, why can't God just take her off my heart so I would stop thinking about her? I asked Him to take away those thought if they weren't from Him, but all that has happened in the two months since our short lived relationship is that the feelings have increased, why is that? I don't understand? part of the reason to is I have no idea what she thinks about me now. Does she even think about maybe having a relationship with me or will I never have that chance again? Does she ever think about me? This all sucks because I really was so excited abou the way our relationship was going and this has been a huge obstacle for me. I didn't even know how to act around her. I took a victim's mentality and everytime I would see her I would think about being rejected and then when I interacted with her it was like rejection. I was doing great with all of this but now I am not so sure.

On a more positive note, God has been doing some awesome things with me. My new jobis going great. I like the people I work with and it is full time and I like the work, it's nice also to have the weekends off. I have been given many opportunities in worship and am growing in my confidence of playing on a worship team. Tonight at Harp and Bowl I was really excited because it was fun and God was giving me a chance through that to experiment with my playing. I get to play like three to four times a week it's awesome and I love it. God has also been giving some great opportunities to speak. Last week I taught the little kids class about healing, made up my own lesson plan with game and everything. On Wednesday I preached to the youth group and that went really well. I had several kids that responded to the message and God gave me the opportunity to speak to this one girl that He has been putting on my heart since I first got here to Horizon. I am really busy and really blessed. The only thing that has been slipping is my time of physical workouts. I haven't been running much which is disappointing because I was going to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon in October at the Portland Marathon. That will not happen if I don't do the training.

Well I should go this is way to long and I could keep going, Peace out to you all,

Love
The Toph

Blah!

I guess I must not be very interesting anymore. No one likes to make comments about my posts boo hoo! What a baby and a whiner I can be. Just kidding, trying to get some comments and see that people actually still come on here to find out what is happening with THE TOPH.

I am sad because I feel like my friendship with Amber has been lost, I think I'm going to talk to her and try to reestablish it, because losing her as a friend sucks even more than her not wanting to be with me. It just makes me feel like I had no impact on her life, like I wasn't even a blip on her radar screen. Well, I will keep this short because I know people aren't into reading my long posts. God is good and I love Him very much.

The Toph

I Love the Lord!!

Well, the Lord has been doing some really awesome things in me personally. I am at one of the healthiest points I have ever been at in my whole life. I believe that I have handled this whole situation with Amber in a very healthy way, sure there was some weirdness there for about a month or so but things are beginning to change which I am glad because I really believed that our friendship was going to be non existent for awhile. Ministry opportunities are going great.

Thi slast week we had our Broomball event and of course everyone had a great time. We had around 50 to 60 people participate which was awesome. I have had increased times of teaching lately. People have been asking me to speak and that is cool because I love to speak. I have not started yet but I would like to start working or hanging out with the Ethiopian church on Sundays. Healing Rooms ministry is awesome! Last week I prayed for people and at the end of the night I looked down at my hands and there were flecks of gold on them it was super cool. At first I thought oh it's probably just someglitter or something from the oil. But this week I substituted for someone who did not show and I looked at my hands before we started praying and noticed the flecks of gold again, this was before I used any oil or anything. God is awesome, I am so blessed by what He is doing, I love Him and through that all these other things are falling into place in my life I love it.

In about one week I am going to start training hardcore for the next big physical challenge in my life, qualifying for the Boston Marathon. To do that I must finish a marathon in 3 hours 10 minutes, my best time so far 3 hours 37 minutes. I will be training to beat that this year at the Portland Marathon where I have my best time. The race is in October so I am going to try to run 5 days a week appoxiamately 50- 60 miles per week.

I start my new job on Monday. I finally got a full time job again. Monday-friday 8-5 pays 11 dollars an hour. I also will be getting benefits after 90 days. I am going to be working in an apartment complex as a groundskeeper. Basically I will be changing all the garbages and taking care of the recycling stuff, not the best job in the world but not that bad either and there is more of an opportunity of advancement with this place. I will also be stayng on witht he funeral home as an extra casual help person. Basically they will call me if they need me and I have the choice of saying yes or no. I will get some extra cash if I feel like working. Might be nice!

Anyway that is my update , love you man!

Got to accentuate the positive!

Do you know how it feels to be thinking about someone alot during your day but not able to act or react about your situation? I have been having a hard time with this. I think about Amber constantly and really hate the position that I am in now. Everytime I see her I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. It's really hard. I only went out with her for such a short time but I really believed that God was finally going to bring a girl that would accept me for who I am and fall in love with me, because let's be honest there is a lot to love about me. I am a super great guy that absolutely loves the Lord and worshiping Him and serving Him, I am a romantic guy who has a lot of heart and I really believe I showed that, I am an athletic guy, I think that is good, I love kids, friends , furry animals and all that.

So how is it that a wonderful girl like Amber can start to fall for someone like that and then 1 week later do a total 180 degree turn, I am still baffled? I really wanted her to be the one that walked beside me and fell in love with me. Why can't I have that? It sucks. I haven't spent practically anytime with her, I have no idea what is going on in her life. Did I even make an impact in her life? Did she already forget about the loving caring awesome individual that I am? I don't know but all I do know is that this sucks.

On a more positive note, I finished the STP in one day. It took me 12 hours and 45 minutes not bad for a rookie I guess. My next big goal is to qualify for Boston, hopefully that will come when I run the Portland Marathon in October. I really am keeping a good attitude about all this although I still do go through times like right now. I say Amber tonight and it just brought a whole bunch of stuff right up in my face and man Ireally like that girl even through all this.

Breaking the Silence!

Well, I really need to get back to blogging so I am breaking my silence. The main reason why I have silenced myself is because this wonderful, awesome, beautiful, great woman that I have been talking about before and who actually accepted my offer to be my girlfriend, decided that she did not want to be in this relationship anymore.
I have had a hard time with this whole situation because I really felt like the Lord was going to let this whole thing happen smoothly but unfortunately that wasn't the case. I regret asking her to be my girlfriend because when she decided that wasn't something what she wanted, we totally lost the great relationship and friendship that was building. Now what we have is ackwardness and avoidance. I miss just getting to hang out with her and talk and actually have her open herself up to me in conversation, now if we get a chance to talk it is very surfacy and not at all like it was. I really miss that relationship. I also really miss just hanging out with her and joking and having fun, now she keeps me at a distance. I can't say that I blame her though because of the situation, I am sure she feels bad about the way things happened. She doesn't want to lead me on, I understand, I just hope that she doesn't totally forget about me and the relationship that we did have.
I invested my heart to much into this relationship because I really felt like it was in the right timing and that God was going to work it out. I think I put to much hope into it so that makes it hard for me even now almost a month after it all happened. I just want everyone to know that Amber is a great girl and I have no bad feelings toward her. I actually am glad that she told me this now rather than sometime in the future after I had invested more of my heart towards her.
This is all I am going to say about this issue, I just needed to say something.
In all actuality though I still don't understand why exactly she broke up with me but I guess I will figure it out someday?

I am writing this because I have to be a secretary at my Funeral home job today and all of next week. I just gave my two weeks notice at the funeral home. The boss was sorry to hear me go and told me I could stay on as a casual help team which keeps me with the company but I choose if I want to work or not. He wasn't able to counteroffer for me but that is OK this may work out better for me. The new job told me that I will be hired as soon as the background check goes through, they told me I could give two weeks notice if I knew I would pass the test so I did. The new job offers 11 an hour. Monday-Friday 8-5 with weekends off. I will also get benefits after 90 days. So I am pretty stoked about that. I can get extra work though Bonney Watson on the weekends and stuff when they are busy. For instance driving a limousine for a service for about 3 hours or so on a Saturday would pay me 17 dollars an hour.

In about 12 hours, at 4:45 AM I will be embarking on a great journey called the Seattle to Portland Bike ride. I will be riding 204 miles in one day! I am crazy I know but I always like to set big goals. The longest ride I have ever done in one day is 100 miles in 7 hours 30 minutes so I will probably be done anywhere from 13-16 hours of riding. I think I am ready to do this though the last two weeks I have done around 200 miles each week and they say what you can ride in a week you can ride in a day. I am excited for it. Tonight we are going out for a spaghetti carboloading dinner for me. My great friends Jeremy and Meg and Adam and Amanda are all coming to support me. Jeremy is my coach and mechanic and the rest are for moral support. Jeremy and Adam are thinking about riding along with me for part of the race to.

Well I am going to try to post more again about my thoughts and life for those that like to follow the goings on off The Toph. Love ya all. Also this Sunday I am doing a teaching about hearing God to the youth Sunday school class and also I am teaching the children about Healing at the end of the month on a wednesday.

One last thing, I was involved witha Harp and Bowl worship team last night. It was a lot of fun and I really liked playing although I did feel a little uncomfortable. I think that is just because God is stretching me in regards to playing percussion on a team and in front of people I don't know. I really had fun though. I hope I didn't sound to horrible. Bye all love ya!

Life is hard Right now.

That is really all I am going to say at this point. I don't want to reveal all my thoughts to the world any longer. I met this really awesome girl named Amber and I am very blessed to know her and have her as a friend. Today was not such a good day in the life of the Toph.

I was feeling barfy all day long. Didn't sleep very well and was pretty dehydrated. In the morning at work I also got ran into by a stupid Charlie's Produce truck and it knocked the mirror off my work car, now I have to fill out an accident report and all that stupid stuff. The guy who hit me was trying to claim it was my fault when it clearly was his and now it is my word against his so I hope I don't get in trouble with my work. Also randomly today while I was driving my necklace broke and the pieces went all down my pants it sucked.

But hey at least I am still alive these are all trivial matters in comparison to that. Remember to thank the Lord each day for all the good things that he has put into your life. I thank God for my family, my friends, my church, and for bikes and running. God bless. I

She says Yes!! YEEHAWW!

Here is an update on everything. This first paragraph is for all those who don't like to read the details. I have had a great week with Dex. Basically I finally asked her out on Tuesday night and then on Wednesday she said yes and then on Thursday night she said yes and then Sunday morning she left for Mississippi. I am very excited about this new relationship because this girl is so freaking awesome. I plan on having our first official real date on Tuesday June 7th when she gets back from Mississippi. I really like her a lot so I am very excited about having a possible future with her. Anyway that is the brief version, and by the way her real name is Amber.

Bringing us up to date on the rest of our time since the last post starts here. This could take awhile because there is a lot of stuff that needs to be written about. The Monday after the Bluff evening I think it was that she came to the Healing Rooms but she didn't want to come hang out afterwards because of tiredness. I could tell that there was possibly something else going on there so I called her on the way home and talked to her for like 45 minutes. She was having some personal struggles and I trying to assure her and tell what an awesome person that I thought she was. I did my best to encourage her about it.

The next day Tuesday we didn't hang out because I had to work until close and she had some stuff to do but in between my two jobs I was going to call her and leave a message because I thought she was still at work. When I called she answered the phone and I was kind of startled because I wasn't expecting to hear from her but I was glad that she answered. She got off work early and was about to go for a run. She was going to see if I wanted to go and I said sure but that I had to work so I couldn't. I just wanted to call and reassure her some more about the stuff we talked about the night before. It was a good conversation but I had to cut it off because I had to work, that sucked, because I feel like I could talk to her forever.

Wednesday, for once I actually don't exactly remember what happened. I can't remember so please forgive for forgetting but it has been awhile since I last posted and a lot of things happened since then. Thursday we were not able to get together because I was working till close at Zeeks for the last time. I really wanted to call her and have her come celebrate that I was finished with that job but I didn't because it was late and I wasn't sure if she would have been in bed yet. It was fine though.

Friday, I went to visit her at work like usual. When I got there she sat down with me and had lunch. It was very pleasant and I enjoy her company more and more. She said that she was getting off work early so I was thinking how can I get her to come spend time with me? I was like hey do you want to go to Goodwill and help me pick out an outfit for the races and then maybe get some ice cream or something? She was like yeah that would be fun. So after I got off work I went down to her work to pick her up so she didn't have to ride the bus. We went to the Goodwill and had a great time looking for something for me to wear. I really had fun and it was great to hear her laugh I think that she really needed it. It was a bunch of fun. We ended up being there quite awhile so I just took her home to her house. She invited me to come in and I was like Heck ya spend more time with this woman who is capturing my heart yeah you bet ya. She got me some green iced tea and a pink frosted sugar cookie. I was blessed to hang out with her some more and stayed as long as I possibly could. She had a party for her friend Ruth to go to and I went to Night of Worship.

Saturday was awesome. The Healing Rooms team went to Canada to speak at a conference for Korean people and students. We had an awesome time and God really showed up it was super cool. We left at like 7:15 AM for Canada only 15 minutes behind, we finally left Seattle area by 7:45 because we had to make a stop at Laura's for something for her. We got to the Canadian border about 9:30 and promptly sat for 1 hour and thirty minutes to get across the border. So we started off 1 hour delayed in our teaching. When we fianlly got to the church Jeremy was a little stressed out because he didn't want to be late. I thought he was going to speak for like an hour and then we were going to have lunch but that didn't happen he spoke for like 15 minutes and then handed it over to me which was fine but I was totally scrambled because I thought I would be talking after lunch. I got up there and spoke for like half an hour but forgot to do half of my sermon. I ended up doing the other half of my sermon after lunch.
For lunch we went to this sushi place and everyone from our group all headed to one table, I didn't really want to stay with the group because I wanted to be with the people so I sat at a table with all Korean people and me and basically ended up preaching to them the whole lunch time. I had a blast and felt like the center of attention, but it wasn't about that it was fun to get the people to myself I had fun speaking with them and encouraging them. After lunch I did my other half hour and then Jeremy got up and spoke for like an hour and 15 minutes and then Chris came up after him and spoke for like an hour or so. It was really good to minister with my good friends and I really hope that we will have many more opportunities to do stuff like this because it was super fun except next time I hope that Amber will come. After the conference we took a lady home to Bellingham. When we got there they basically bought us dinner because they felt bad because they didn't get to bless us the night before. I was like cool I come to speak in Canada get two free good meals and then later we all got 20 bucks from Jeremy as part of the honorarium. That was fun. On the way home I called her because I really just wanted to see her so I invited her to come over and watch some more Freaks and Geeks. She came over and had bought me like two pair of jeans from the Goodwill and one really great pair that were perfect for my cowboy race outfit, i really liked them even though everyone made fun of me I didn't care. She stayed till pretty late which was cool and then ended up going for a drive with Laura where I basically figured out that they probably were talking about me.

Sunday was church and she and I were both on worship team. I was playing percussion because Tom wasn't there and she was singing, the only singer I think. She is so anointed and talented with her worship and singing ability, it is awesome. I told her that I was taking her out to lunch because God gave me twenty bucks and I wanted to spend it on her so I did. We went down to the Folklife festival with Chris and Laura. We ate African food and then went and listened to some African drumming. It was a lot of fun. We had to leave at like 4:30 to get back to my house by 5 so we could get to the races by 6. We ended up taking Ben and Jessica with us which was a lot of fun actually, I really like the two of them alot. Amber was really tired because she only had about two hours of sleep from the night before. I offered to drive but she said she was OK. We got to the races and that was a blast because it is a fun time. Bus figure eights and racing and such it was fun. The first time she has ever been to something like this and we were both wearing our hickey getups which were fun. Of course we ended up being the only ones who actually did dress up but that is OK. I really wanted to put my arm around her or something to show her my affection for her but again GOD said to wait until June 1st. So I resisted. She was very tired when we left and I could see it I offered to drive but she still wasn't ready to give in. We got like a quarter mile down the road at a gas station to fill up her car and I went into the store and asked her if she wanted anything she said no but I got her some sour punch straws because earlier in the evening she said her favorite candy was something like that that was sour. She came into the store and asked me to drive. I was relieved because I knew she was tired and I was fine myself. She fell asleep soon after we got driving back, she was out for like thirty minutes. She slept all the way home. When we got to my house I offered to drive her home because I knew we were hanging out the next day so I offered to take her home and then pick her up the next day. She agreed. I had some blankets from the race and I offered them to her as a pillow, i thought she would take them and lean against the window but she just plopped down in the middle right next to me. I put on some soft worship music and sang along and she slept until I got her to her house. I think she was grateful that I did that.

Monday, I picked her up at like 11:30 and we went running at Green Lake. We ran for about 1 hour or so, it was fun. We went to 7-11 to get slurpees. I was really hungry so i suggested that we go to Subway so I could get something to eat. On the way there I got I good idea, i asked her if she wanted to go to the Locks and eat our sandwiches and she was into that. We came back to my house and grabbed a blanket and a sweatshirt for her to wear. I also grabbed some pictures from my mission trip to Paua New Guinea and showed them to her. We sat and talked and had our lunch and before I knew it is was like 5:00 and we had to be to the Healing Rooms by 6 so we had to get going. I didn't want to go because I was with her but I knew I was supposed to. She also ended up there because she was worshipping during our time of prayer. Afterwards I was like struggling to find people to saty so that her and I could hang out together but not alone. Laura ended up coming with us back to Ballard and we watched a couple more Freaks and Geeks episodes.

Tuesday was the big day. I was going to tellher at midnight because technically that would make it the 1st of June. I called and was trying to get her to come hang out but she went to visit Abi and the family down in Kent and so I was going to let it go until Wednesday but Jeremy was like whatever we will get her here you just get yourself ready and I was like OK. So Jeremy called her and told her to come to our little ritual of jumping in Green Lake when someone gets laid off. He told her that we all had a big surprise for her but couldn't give it to her until later. When I found out Jeremy got her to come I was surprised but ready because I knew what I wanted to say. We all went swimming and everyone got out of Green Lake and then Jeremy told her to stay and that all of us would go and get her when it was ready. After we got around the boathouse I walked back and told her that they sent me back to stay with her. We waited for like 10 minutes and then I was like it shouldn't have taken this long we should go find out what is going on. We walked up to the parking lot and none of my friends were there they all left. She said what's going on? I said I don't know but I have my keys to the truck so we are OK. She was hesitant but OK, I walked up and opened her door for her, my friends had planted the banner saying "Amberdextrous"; the poem I wrote for her; and the dozen roses I bought for her. She was like what is all this and basically I said surprise. She was actually pretty flabbergasted I think she wasn't ready to answer me yet. She was actually pretty speechless but we drove around for over an hour just talking about things and actually it was a pretty good and fun conversation. She wasn't ready to give a response yet.

I was agonizing because I was really hoping to get an answer quickly but that wasn't the case. I talked to her for like eight minutes on the phone on Wednesday and she basically told me she wasn't coming to church Wednesday night, she wanted to spend time with the Lord. I later found out that she read my blog and all that this night also. Thursday came and I was like Oh man she isn't going to answer me until she gets back from Mississippi, that is going to suck but I will be patient. I wanted to call her all day Thursday but resisted. She finally called me at about 9:15 that night. I thought she wanted to meet me at the Locks so I went down there but she said the Bluff so it was delayed a little bit of time. When i finally arrived at the Bluff she was waiting for me. I brought a blanket and a sweatshirt in case she needed one. She did. I could tell it was going to end up good as soon as I got there because she was happy to see me. We walked over to a bench on the bluff and talked. She started out by telling me about her past relationship with a guy she met in the u district and told me about some of what happened with that. She basically told me that she was ready to go for it and said yes and I was so Happy and relieved and excited because God gave me peace about this whole thing I was having a great time with it. We had a great conversation and I told her that I should let her go because she had to leave early the next morning for Mississippi. I could ahv sat there all night and talked to her but she had to go. I walked back to the car with her and put my arm around her, I felt so good, i could finally do that without worrying about it. I really am blessed! Thank You Lord for your awesome woman of God that you put into my life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!

Love
The Toph